ugly people sure do ruin things
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
