So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
