Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
