He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
