Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize