Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You made out with two different species that night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I pour the whiskey from now on
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
