I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
