My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I love black thongs
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
