I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
