How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
