your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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