Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
