I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
