i already hear my dad disowning me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Randomize
