you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
