Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
