some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
