Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
God, I missed his penis.
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