You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
