well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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