I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
