We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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