I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
