Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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