That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
