Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
