I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
