I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
