I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
