This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
