i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
