that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
cat food counts as protein by the way
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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