They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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