My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
