Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
