My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
