Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
