life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
