Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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