How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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