I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
