My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
