you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
