they need to just BURY HIM!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize