You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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