I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
