spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?"Ā¯ and "Why tacos?"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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