Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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