We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
