its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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