She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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