Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
