Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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