Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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