why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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