I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
