i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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