Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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