textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
