the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize