Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
