On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
