Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
