we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
